The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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