that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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