grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
