I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Randomize
