The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
