How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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