Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
