I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
