you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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