he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
