I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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