Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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