update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
