Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
