I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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