god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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