its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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