Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
