Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
