are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
fuck your aforementioned shoe
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She bit a glass in half.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
