he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
