the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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