Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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