It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
