If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
