I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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