Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
