Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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