I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Randomize
