I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
