woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
