I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
