wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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