just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
