forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i think im in europe. pls send help
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
