I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
