Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I love you. Go after that dick
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
