I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
