Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
