he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
