i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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