he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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