Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
