good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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