This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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