I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
