literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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