I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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