Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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