My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
